A Writer from the Weekly World News Dishes the Dirt
I’ve always wanted to know what went on behind the editorial doors of “the world’s only reliable newspaper.” Now that the mag has folded, one writer talks about his time there.
Then one day I spotted an online ad from WWN seeking new “reporters.” I wrote back that I was thrilled at the opportunity, because who else would tell me that Hillary was dating a space alien? I further mentioned that the “mainstream” media always censored my best scoops like “Man Doesn’t Stop for a Red Light in 30 Years, and Never Has an Accident or Gets a Ticket.” The editors asked me to send in that story as a sample, and I was off and running.
Part of the fun of “reporting” for the WWN was constructing a scenario under which such a thing, though highly unlikely, could be remotely possible. In this case, I knew the driver couldn’t live in a big city where he’d be behind other cars that stopped for lights. So I placed him in a small town, so small that for years it didn’t even have traffic lights. When the town put them in, Earl (the driver), who was colorblind, sued, claiming the lights discriminated against colorblind people. He lost, but folks in the town agreed that since everyone knew Earl and his distinctive red truck, if he honked at an intersection he’d be granted the right of way. Ergo, he never had to stop, and broke no law. His one near-accident occurred because the other driver was deaf, and couldn’t hear him honk. Groused Earl, “They shouldn’t let deaf people drive. I could’ve been killed.” Plausible? Of course not. Would you place 1,000-1 odds that it didn’t happen? I wouldn’t.
Once I was “in,” I often described my job, without a hint of exaggeration, as “thinking of the stupidest shit possible.” I once pitched a story positing that the U.S. government had data confirming that the one commonality linking all mass killers, including the Columbine shooters, was that they never masturbated. Rather than issue this report, which would save lives but promote onanism, the government preferred to let occasional slaughters take place. My editor rejected it on the grounds that it was “too plausible.”